Part one on the “give me an idea and I’ll blog about it” series: Psycho v. Rick

(Psycho at her computer typing)
“Third, make up your own damn shit like evuhbody else.*muahBrothers.”

She finished typing and sat back, reclining in her chair, savoring the few moments of peace between patients.

(half a world away)
“Oh no she didn’t!” thought Rick, upon reading her comments. And in a flash he was in his ninja suit and out the door heading to Psycho’s secret lair.

When he finally arrived, there was a patient in Psycho’s office but Psycho herself had slipped away briefly to answer nature’s call. Slowly, ever so slowly Rick crept up behind the patient and slipped an air mask over his face, turning on the airflow to the bottle of nitrous oxide, and placing a blowup doll in Psycho’s chair. Cautiously, he removed a small tape recorder from a hidden pocket in his ninja suit and pressed play. It was actually a recording of Rick reading all of Psycho’s previous blogs aloud, in a woman’s voice, but being under the influence as he was, the patient never knew the difference. Little did Rick know that while he was intent on distracting the patient with laughing gas, Psycho had snuck around behind him. She brought him to the ground with a quick kick to the back of his knee, driving the three inch spiked heels of her $650 pair of handmade Italian leather shoes deep. “Now look what you’ve made me do. I’m a freakin pacifist” she said as she shattered a jade statue of Buddha over his head. Then she stopped in her tracks as she recognized him. “Rick?” she said,(recognizing him because his "ninja suit" was actually a Johnny Depp costume) “What are you doing here?” Standing up and trying to regain some of his dignity, Rick said, “It’s high time you and I had it out Psycho. Meet me down by the beach at dawn (he said not knowing if she lived anywhere near the beach). You choose the weapons.” Shrugging, and not really knowing what he was talking about, but being full of fire and ready for a challenge as she always was, she said” Sure thing little brother. I’d be happy to kick your arse tomorrow on the beach and teach you to mess around with me” “Fine then!” Rick said, suddenly not so sure of himself.

(Dawn. The beach.) Psycho walks languidly down to where the water meets the sand. Rick is standing there waiting. “She’s dressed in a silk kimono,” thinks Rick, bringing to mind his repertoire of cool looking martial arts moves, “It’s to be swords then.” But as she draws nearer, he notices one of her thralls is walking behind her carrying a folding table and two satchels. “What’s it to be then,” Rick asks as Psycho walks up and looks at him smirking, “pistols?” “Ha! You should wish for such an easy end” Laughs Psycho. She snaps her fingers and her thrall sets up the table and places two laptops on top. “I choose blogging !” “What !? Blogging?? Now that just don’t make no sense at all. How are we gonna…” “Oh shut up. Just sit down and start blogging, you’ll see.”

“Ok.” says Rick, sitting down nervously.

Psycho cracks her knuckles and types “Buddhist” And suddenly, *poof* Ol Buddha himself appears on the beach wearing a sumo diaper and charges Rick Threatening to crush him beneath his massive girth..

Hmm, “Christian” types Rick. And none other than the Son of God himself appears.

“Jesus Christ!” exclaims Buddha, pointing, and falls over dead on account of he has a bad heart.

Psycho’s eyes narrow and she types “Liberal” And the entire newly elected Senate appears and *poof* Jesus disappears with a committee vote.

Hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned, Rick types “Republican” hoping to get Ronald Reagan but instead *poof* up pops Arnold Schwarzenegger, which takes a while because Rick’s computer is using up all it’s memory just trying to spell check “Schwarzenegger” and the senate almost reached poor Rick(who suddenly remembers that it’s the ides of march) intending to stab him to death, but at the last second Ol Arnie pulls a machine gun and fires off thousands of rounds not hitting a single thing but luckily Arnold in a last defiant act yells “Kali-four- nee-i-a!” And all the senators run off in horror with their hands over their ears at the sound of Arnolds terrible accent. Rick laughs.

Taking a deep breath, and fixing Rick in a stare so cold it freezes his blood, Psycho types “tighty whities” and then after a brief, meaningful pause, “three sizes too small.”

Rick screams like a girl and doubles over in agony, accidentally hitting the delete button in his pain and confusion and Arnold fades away his lingering voice delivering just one last line of bad acting “I’ll be back”.

This titanic struggle went on for two days. Lightning flashed and keyboards melted as their smoking fingers moved in a blur of motion, each trying to get the upper hand. When finally Psycho, being the wiser of the two, stopped typing, looked at Rick, and slowly typed “Lobster?”
Rick considered a moment and typed ”Steak.”
Their eyes met and at the same time they both typed “Lamb”

The rest of the blog was history;

“Red wine, or, white?” “Why red of course” “Music?” “Yes that would be lovely.”
But something was missing. Brightening, Rick typed “Monica” and there she was.
Grinning and arching one eyebrow in a most naughty and malevolent way, Wendy pecked a few letters on her keypad and *poof* (CHOOSE ONE: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sean Connery, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Jake Gyllenhall, Will Smith, or fill in the blank ___________) appeared. But even as he materialized out of nowhere, Wendy looked at him with disapproval. Shaking her head, she typed “Duct tape” And “brains to go with that body” *BAM* Now he was the perfect man.

It was a lovely evening and they all lived happily ever after.